Text Me!

I phucking hate text messages.  I don;'t mind so much reading a quick text, or sending one, sometimes "I'm on my way" is all you need, and actually talking on the phone might not make sense for that.
What I'm talking about though, is the younger generation, you know, the ones who had to ask why it's called a dial tone, who will have entire relationships on text messages.  My friend and I had a two hour conversation yesterday in 84 text messages.  Phuck girl, call me if you want to talk to me.  I have fat arthritic fingers and diabetic neuropothy that makes my fingers numb.  Consider that when I have to send you more words than my phucking doctoral dissertation all to basically tell you that I'm in bed and trying to sleep, so please quit making my phone play a little tone every 2 minutes BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO SLEEP GODDAMMIT!!

There, glad I got that out of my system.  Another thing I cannot stand is that the people who would rather text than fuck or talk to you, is that they are too damn lazy to spell the words out, so here I sit, an educated man, trying to figure out what language is on the screen.  "Can I C U NE time this W>>N"

I shudder at the thought that these lazy and mindless morons are going to be running the world when I'm retired.   I'm just to tired to write anymore today, I was trying to get some sleep last night and someone sent me 42 text messages in a 2 hour period that I had to keep responding to, and well.....

Sluts and Ho's

I do my best to be a wise old sage for the people around me who haven't gotten the experience I have.  Okay, the more honest way to say that is I make the foolish mistake of telling the odd youngster who knows everything about things they're getting ready to do.  Things that will give them a good story, a cool scar, perhaps a criminal record, in the extreme case brain damage.

For odd and perverse reasons, most of the younger people who fit this category are women.  Sorry, I gave up on trying to have a real and age appropriate relationship and now I have a serious taste for one night stands and occasional casual sex with women half my age.  Although I'm hardly Brad Pitt and for reasons I cannot adequately explain, I do pretty well.  I never dig too deep when the great deity of nubile women smiles upon me, it just wouldn't be right.  It's sick, it's twisted, it's perhaps legally kosher but morally wrong and I know that on some level I'm taking advantage of these poor defenseless women...my 24 year old hairdresser sometimes brings a friend. Don't try to save me or I'll phucking kill you.

 My hairdresser.  Half my age and a freak.  God love her.

But I digress.  The point of this post isn't my own depravities, which until now I have the good sense to not post on the internet, but the absolutely stupid shit young people post on the internet.  I mean, I'm 50 years old and have enough money to not give a shit what some geek thinks about me in an interview.  My 23 year old friend who wants to be a school teacher, on the other hand, doesn't understand why I try to tell her that posting "out with the besties and getting too fucked up on blunts and Jagershots" on her Facebook page may not be the most intelligent thing to do. Kids, that just ain't smart.  I hardly ever hire people, but the people who do work for me, and they read your facebook page before they have you start filling out paperwork for the 401(k) plan.  If we're looking for someone to do some destructive testing on the company's reputation, equipment and insurability you're just the person we'd be looking for.  Sadly, I'm looking for people who can act like their mother is in the room if need be. The guy who is always jumping up and showing the new tattoo on your junk during the product meeting isn't.

And it's not just jobs.  Facebook has ruined more people who don't even know it than anything since LSD.  The aforementioned guy with a tattoo that makes his dick the centerpiece of an inked on gaming controller and had to show everyone with a laptop on the internet has a kind and saint-like grandmother.  Someone gave grammy a laptop and showed her Facebook to keep up with her friends.  She looked for her grandson, found him....and had her lawyer change the will.  Grammy don't wanna fincance stupid, even over her dead body.

It's History

Does anyone remember when the History Channel had shows about history?  There used to be a show called Modern Marvels (since moved to another channel) that was good, but they ran out of modern I guess, the last episode I remember was "Modern Marvels- Ancient Weapons" which brought on a face palm moment here in the Well Armed Bunker Complex.

Okay, Pawn Stars and American Pickers, maybe.  Stories about garage sale junk is almost history, at least for the double wide class. What I'm really getting at, though, is paranormal bullshit. UFO shows, Bigfoot, Monster Quest, Nostradamus and other things that appeal to people who have IQs usually associated with a box of hammers. One of the things that really irks me is these shows make "experts" out of people so dumb they have to wear penny loafers because they can't always be relied upon to tie their laces.

Case in point, the fucktard above. His name is Giorgio Tsoukalos and that is not a rabid hedgehog on his head, it's his hair.
Giorgio has been the director of Erich von Däniken's Center for Ancient Astronaut Research for over 12 years, and has appeared on The Travel Channel, The History Channel, the Sci-Fi Channel, the National Geographic Channel, as well as Coast to Coast AM, and is a consulting producer of the television series Ancient Aliens.  He's the world's Bull Goose Looney of why everything, and I mean everything, is because of Ancient Aliens.  Fuck, the reason you like that thing your girlfriend does when she wants to wake you up in the middle of the ...oh, well, you know, that's because Ancient Aliens programmed humans to like that.  Really.

Anyhow, in the commercial for the trash of a show he's appearing on this week,  he said something truly stupid. In essence, he is astonished that "The Ancient Mayans had a calender that is just as accurate as the Naval Observatory's Nuclear Clock!"
Well gee willikers Sparky.  The Navy has 365.242199 days a year, just like...THE MAYANS! It must be Ancient Aliens!
Anyone with enough sense to figure out Google can find out that in fact, the Mayans were almost (not quite) as accurate as the Gregorian Calender that we've been using since 1582, developed by the Catholic Church. The Popes over the years have been such big fans of real astronomy that they persecuted Galileo as a heretic and didn't get around to admitting he was right until the early Nixon Administration.

Shit like this is ruining civilization.  This mental case and dozens of others equally reality challenged are passing into pop culture as real life "Experts" and no one on these "Science Shows" ever points out the absolutely stupid shit they say isn't, well, true.  It sounds good.  They use a lot of big words.  And another urban legend becomes the Gospel Truth because it was on TV and you can even look it up on the Internet! Giorgio appears to the audience as a true and gifted scholar instead of the addled idiot he really is. I can't help but think of a line from Arlo Guthrie, "it's amazing that someone can sing a song this dumb, for that long. It's really amazing that someone can make a living singing a song this dumb".

But I guess I shouldn't complain. I'm a history geek, and hardly expect the general public to understand or know things about which I've spent my whole life studying. But when the History Channel does every once in a while do real history, they fuck that up too.  I love the Civil War so much I moved to Gettysburg Pennsylvania for part of the year now and soon full time.  As such, I can be reasonably expected to have a little more insight into what may be the most important battle in US History.  The History Channel did a show on it last year, a real stinker.  I mean, yes, every fact presented in the show was more or less true, at least open to discussion.  Good enough as far as it goes.  But they did a 2 hour special on the Battle of gettysburg without mentioning Reynolds, Buford, Longstreet, Picket's Charge and only passingly mentioned Robert E Lee, George Mead.  Not a word about Little Round Top, the Irish Brigade....  it's kind of like doing a show on Prohibition without mentioning bootleggers.

That's enough of today's rant, but fair warning to the Ghosthunters of the Adams Country Paranormal Society, I'm gonna go off on you someday soon.  I'm just not in town right now and tossing bombs from 400 miles away wouldn't be manly.  I may even, in the interest of fairness, invite one of you to respond.

So, in closing, remember, stupid is contagious, and in a fair world we'd be able to smack the shit out of one every day, just for our own comfort.  And Arlo, I have never thought you were dumb even if my ex wife had her doubts.

Oh Hell, just dive in.

Most people think I'm a nice guy.  I chew with my mouth closed, say "yes sir/ma'am" never raise my voice and would never embarrass you in front of others.
That's not the guy writing this.  You want him ya gotta come see me live, tickets available at TicketMaser blah blah blog.

This is the things I think about saying, want to say, fantasize about saying or doing but am prevented from acting upon because, well, you go around slapping the everloving shit out of even stupid people and eventually you'll get arrested.  I know, it's hard.

I'm not exactly modest, so I'll  go ahead and say it, I'm probably smarter than you.  Before you get all butthurt about what an arrogant SOB I am (BTW, Guilty) all that really says is, I'm smarter than average.  I went to school on scholarships and I don't play ball, figure it out.  And sense I'm having little adventures in what I wish it was acceptable to say out loud, let's just say I'm talking about the stupid people here anyway.  You know them, they invested the kids college fund in Beanie Babies, talked the relatives into dumping the 401(K) and buying Iraqi Dinars, the sell fucking Amway.  We all have them in our lives, none of us can have them sterilized to protect the gene pool.

So without further ado, today's rant...

There is nothing that so offends the beauty of our existence than a woman who isn't as hot as she thinks she is.  I work with one, who is typical of the type.  She wears skin tight polyester clothes.  I know about her tatoos in naughty places because her damn pants are that tight.  The problem is, she's 20 years and 30 pounds past the outfits she's wearing and honestly it's enough to put you off your lunch.  Kids, it's never good for women (hell, men either) to be wearing provocative clothes to work.  No upside.  If she's just butt ugly, it ruins your whole day and if you're like me kind of makes you afraid of the dark.  If she's hot, even worse, cause we all know it's hard to go all day without at least furtively checking out what the little hottie in payroll wore today and that's gonna get you in trouble with the snotty HR girl someday.
To the girls who think dressing like a pornstar on the red carpet at Adult Film Awards even though she looks like she should be in a Jenny Craig "before" picture, your husband may think you look hot in that outfit with the bare midriff but only because he knew you when you might have been, to the rest of us, you're just making the world a little more dreary, so go home and put some clothes on.  Please.